One night i got a bit sloshed and acted a way that made me question my morality and myself as a person. Depressed, the next day, after doing everything i needed to do for the day, the last of which was picking up my sister to school, i dropped her off at home, then told her i wanted to take a drive because i wasn’t feeling well and needed time to think. Three and a half hours later i found myself in Penang.
The drive was long but enlightening. I tried to question myself and peel off the layers that i thought was untrue. I was lying to myself too much that my subconcious self believed it. I needed time to think to figure out what i wanted to change in myself. I really don’t want to be a bad person.
I never told anyone where i was going. Only when i arrived, i told a friend why i couldn’t make it to his place and meet him tonight. I arrived in Penang with no plans to go anywhere. My decision to go to Penang was partly because i have been planning to backpack around South East Asia alone, probably only meeting people at the destination only through online means. So i needed practice. To randomly go somewhere and try to stay there, relying on only myself, even if its at the last minute.
I drove straight to Batu Ferringhi since i remembered there was this one bar that i liked with a pool inside. I could also go and look out for any souvenir that id find and like, from the countless stalls along the road. I needed a new necklace anyways. Unfortunately, the bar was closed, as it looked like it has been for a few years. Meh, i shouldn’t expect too much anyways. As i bought a tshirt, i asked the guy where people go to have a few.
He pointed me towards the beach where there was a bar called Bora Bora. Fine, might as well make the best of my trip. I sat by the bar next to a guy who was drinking alone and tried to make conversation. Not much reply. He looked stressed so i tried no further to chat. Across the bar was a couple. An indian guy and a cute Caucasian chick. The chick was all into him. Damn it. ‘I need to find a girl’, i thought.
On the other side was an older looking Indian guy who looked more friendlier so i got off the bar and sat besides him to try to make conversation. He turned out to be a pretty cool dude and we talked about everything from his kids to my classic ‘I don’t believe in free will’ argument, and even to thoughts on religion. He was a Christian and we were talking about how we should forgive when i brought up my predicament.
‘Hate the sin not the sinner’, he said. ‘At least you realized and drove all the way here to do something about it. The hardest to forgive is yourself’, he continued. Which got me a whole new outlook on it. The moment i get home there are a couple of people i need to apologize to. Not for them because admittedly, they probably don’t give a fuck, but for myself. So that I can start putting this behind me and start improving myself.
Thanks, random guy, for the free counseling.
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